So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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