Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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