You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
