I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
