Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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