You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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