I should be sponsored by Trojan
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I need a beard to bite.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Shame - the story of my life.
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