im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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