Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.