if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
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Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
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Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.