I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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