Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
