I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
