peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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