My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
