you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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