i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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