seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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