The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
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