And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
