i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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