you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
