This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
