Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My bed smells like the plague
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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