she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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