my being single is dangerous.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
