I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
