When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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