i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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