Tell her she can't have a vagina
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
