Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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