the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
