You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
