3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
