There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
