I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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