i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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