I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize