Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
