I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
