someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
