goodnight i made you a song goodbye
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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