Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i out mim tonsoeep
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
