I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
