Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I would fuck him just for his dog
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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