I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
