Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
