I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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