if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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