Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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