What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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