I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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