How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
